|
Autumn · Daisy;
Flower of the Fall
 |
|
Another sleepless night, and screaming phone messages wondering where I was. I was unprepared for my small business management test tonight. I've missed two of those classes and immediately regret doing so... Luckily, I am well versed in business at this point in my schooling that I may have done well on the essays. Today, I focused my efforts to find a job in central Jersey at a funeral home in which I may receive a firm foundation for my future career. Legally, I'm not allowed in the laboratory, but a job in sales, counseling, or secretary work would suffice greatly. I just want to get my 'feet wet'. I want to start really learning about it. I do have to wait another year before Mortuary school at Mercer County and I'm getting anxious.
Not to worry, there's pills for that..
Feeling: |
 calm |
Listening to: |
Blonde Redhead | |
|
|
  New red hair and glasses. It seems that for the past two days, I've had 2 mental breakdowns. I also feel like I've been perpetually drunk for 48 hours. Control that I once felt in my life is slipping again and I don't know how to get it back right now. Things with Alex is always a very rocky roller coaster. We had an amazing day in the city on Sunday. We went to the IFC theatre on 6th Ave and 34rd and saw This is England, and excellent film and went to a tea house around 62th or something called Alice's Tea Cup. I finally had a good tea time since London. The atmosphere was spectacular and covered with Alice things everywhere; almost seemed constructed for me. Haha. School is starting next week and I've seldom dreaded anything more. I'm taking accounting, macro economics, algebraic modeling and creative writing to save my soul. I feel like I'm going to drown terribly. I'm just not ready for it all. :/ Once school comes, Alex and I will be taking more space then I ever bargained for. But, I suppose this is what we wanted, so I've gotten used to the idea. Even embrace it to an extend. I found out recently that my parents' divorce should be finalized around this time next year. We're selling my house. :( I'm a little sad about it, but my Dad's looking to get a cute little house near the Red Bank, Middletown area which I'm starting to like more and more. This year, I've decided that I would really like to focus on me, and do things that sustain my happiness. I am after change, and I am confident that I shall receive it. I am looking forward to doing my best in school, meeting new people, losing weight , saving money, buying a laptop and MP3 player once and for all & making Alex pine over me. : ) ( If only I were kidding. ) Setting goals is very important to ones life, I've discovered. It's sticking to them, that renders themselves quite difficult. I've been writing a whole lot more, which makes me overall feel better. Maybe, I shall post a couple things soon. I'm ranting . post script: I should buy a couple movies and new books. That always cheers me up. Anyone with any suggestions? End.
Longitude/Lattitude: |
Leah's room |
Feeling: |
 contemplative |
Listening to: |
The Grateful Dead- sugaree | |
|
|
Awful day today. Menacing gods afoot.
I was at work all day, and kept having to go into the back room to cry. I think I had a bit of a breakdown. I had another anxiety attack last night followed by heavy crying. James, luckily was there to comfort me a little. Thank you, Jamesie Poo. <3
I wrote at work, all day. To try and get some emotions out, I suppose. It helped a little. It's mostly things I'd say to Alex that I feel like I can't say right now.
This is me letting go. I'll give you what you want. I just pray you're not too long, please, before my heart rebuilds without you in it. I have to let you go; for my own survival. Open your eyes, you are killing me. Thinking of you depresses me more than you know. I can't take your games, I can't take your distance. I feel my mind slipping into a place I never wanted to go to. The shadows here consume and suffocate my lungs. My eyes widen, and my hands are clamy. Down here, I cannot breathe. I gasp short pathetic inhales, reaching desperately for oxygen. My brain becomes fuzzy, and my eyes, weak. I must sit as to not fall. The breathes are more rapid and short, but no pain is releaved to my palpatating heart. Eyes, heavy now. I lean over, as if to contort my body in impossible positions. I hear myself struggling for air, and I cry. I cry with whatever oxygen I can fuel into my lungs. The pain has not lessened. My stomach now feels ill and churns the knots of anxious fiber. Crying makes the breathing more erradict; interrupted by short, quick gasps. I toss and turn, but sleep never comes. The clock is 5:23 and light is begining to flood through my windows. My breathing is somewhat regular and my eyes remain heavy. My head continues to feel light, and the sick feeling in my stomach never leaves me. My thoughts race so rapidly, primarily of you.
My face is saturated with saline, my eyes are red and swollen with sorrow. The pangs of anxiety and the overwhelming sense of confinement is reduced, but not demolished.
Thinking of you
Thinking of you.
Thinking.
Feeling: |
 depressed |
Listening to: |
Pretty Balanced- simon's sleeping. | |
|
|
Alex's aunt died on Friday, from complications arrising from lung cancer. I haven't cried this hard in years. Aunt Dana. We love you. So much. We all miss you. I only hope you are accepted into the light. ...I'm sorry, I can't write anymore.
Feeling: |
 crying |
Listening to: |
Devotchka-how it ends | |
|
|
UGH FUCK FINALS! I have so much work to do, and so many papers to write. At least school will be over in about 2 weeks and sick summer '07 can initiate. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH
Feeling: |
 UUUUGHHH | |
|
|
For the first time in a very long time, I feel fucking fantastic. On my way home from school today, I got lost in Coltsneck for an hour just blasting some fuckin' rock a billy and chain smoking while screaming. God, it felt so good to just... keep driving.
I had a revolutionary thought last night which ends in me going to Rutgers after Brookdale to get my BA in business. I'll be looking for an apartment in New Brunswick ( If anyone goes or will go to Rutgers in a year... hit me up?) And then I will pursue my mortuary science license. I will have a college experience and another degree under my belt. Yesssss.
Also, for this summer, I'm actually also looking into renting out a room or apartment in New Brunswick. (The reasons are complicated). I am quite excited. I've seen nice rooms in beautiful houses for 520-540$ a month. Completely tangible.
In an overall update, Alex is doing better. He's dealing and actually moving on a bit. The kid Mike, I'm currently seeing is going very well. He's truly a sweet kid and I enjoy his company greatly.
School was stressing me out, but, I'm more focused now than I have been the entire semester. Last week's stress upon me was really a kick in the ass, and I am now conscious.
This weekend I'm hanging out with my Evy in NY and I couldn't be happier.
The semester is almost over, summer and my life are finally looking up in my favor.
Ughhh, yess. Finally.
Listening to: |
Sasquatch and the MOTHER FUCKING Sickabillies! | |
|
|
Michelle just left to college on Monday but I missed her so much, I drove to see her Tuesday to have a sleep over. :D . I love her school, Arcadia, the whole scenery is very relaxing considering it's a small campus with a lot of green and a most beautiful castle. Yes, a real castle with a grusome history. Next time ( which I'm sure will be very, very soon) I will take many pictures. She has no roomate so I get to have a bed anytime I come by, which is terribly convienient seeing how I will be there a lot this semester. It was nice spending time with her, I missed my best friend. All in all, a very good night.
I drove home around noon on Wednesday to catch my Death and Dying class at 2:00. I can tell it will be one of my favourites at Brookdale. ;D It's a very interesting and eye opening course, and there are of course some funny characters in the class. heeh.
I must get ready now for my Intro to Business and then Writing & Research with Mr. Koller! yesss
It's good to be back at school.
<3
P.S. I am now single.
Listening to: |
Portishead- cowboys | |
|
|
There's like, something going on with my right ovary. I've been in pain for about 4 weeks. I got my period about 2 weeks ago and it was fine, normal, but the pain remained. I made an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow at 2-30 and I just hope it's not anything serious. I of course went on Webmd.com and the like to perhaps match symptoms and I of course freaked myself out thinking I had 20 million diseases. I always do that. One of the most disturbing tumors I found on the website was something called a Dermoid Tumor. That's when an egg in the ovary start developing without fertilization and can develop hair, teeth and cartilidge. The idea of it freaked me out. It's like... a baby... that isn't alive.... Ovary, Teratoma Note: teeth, hair, cystic, benign View 1 Fuckin' gross right? If I have one of those ( I don't think I do) I'll blow my vagina out right now. |
|
|
Despite Canada being amazing, on the train ride home, our entire group was randomly searched and a gram of cocaine was discovered in Danielle's bag. She was screaming saying it wasn't hers and that Ally put it in there. She was arrested and we were forced to leave without her. I'm skipping so many details and frames of the story, but their not important to any of you. Parents were screaming, threatening and worried. Her Dad went upstate NY to pick her up, 5 hours away from our town. The cops believed that it wasn't Danielle's and the suspicion of Ally putting it into her bag turned to me. I'm so hurt and dissapointed and embarrased. I obviously didn't do it, but her family thinks so because they think I'm jealous of Danielle because my boyfriend is very close to her and her family and is always around and "all over her." I know nothing happened, but he made us look weak as a couple to her family and made room for something like this to happen. My boyfriend didn't even try calling to defend me. He's a spineless little twit and I couldn't be more upset. I found out a lot of very dirty, ugly things about my parents' divorce. It's taken a toll for the worse and below the belt shots are being thrown. I'm so hurt and devastated. My mom is trying to force me into therapy again. And I need to end it with my boyfriend. At least for right now. I know a future with him is very likely, but I can't be with him right now. I'm so sick of him and his shit and I need my space and time. I am in shambles
Feeling: |
disappointed |
Listening to: |
The Cure | |
|
|
I can't believe it's already Christmas. I just never felt it once this whole season.
I'm so psyched school and finals are over. Me working my ass off this semester only got me a 3.5. I was a little dissapointed.
The family come over last night, the usual spanish shit. Today we all chilled out and opened presents. I got a few nice goodies, gift cards, Alfred Hitchcock movies, make up, a blue tooth (what the fuck), a sweet jacket, tea books (!!). I don't know, a few others I'm sure. It was nice. Alex got me this beautiful string of pearls and an Alice in Wonderland tea pot. I almost cried because it's so beautiful. Haha. I'll have pictures. ;D
Amie came back from London the 16th of this month. It's been nice having her around again. My attempt at a welcome back party for her turned out to be a little pitiful, but the thought was there, assuredly.
Sabrina is supposed to come over and get drunk with me. I hope she won't flake out.
I'm going to Montreal on a friend vacation this coming Wednesday and staying until New Years Day. I'm going with all my close friends whom I've know since Junior High, we're going to have a blast.
Life is looking a little up. Now, to just shake off this boredom.
Merry Christmas everyone. <3 |
|
|
I'm leaving to England in three days. I'm so excited I could piss. I have so much work for school I have to do before I go, though. And for while I'm there.. I'm very pysched to see Amie. I will take many pictures, rest assure.
Alex and I are.. a little weird at the moment. It guess it's just a time for space. However, I did go over his house last light and had amazing sex. Who knows. Things will be better when I come back. Absence makes the heart fonder, they say.
I'm nerveous about traveling by myself. But I'm sure I will be drunk the entire time on the plane. Alright, I must go to work and do loads of English work.
Feeling: |
calm |
Listening to: |
Q Lazarus. ( I can't stop) | |
|
|
I don't know what to write... Life is.. Well, it is.
It's moving, I guess.
I finally bought my plane tickets for London. It's all documented and offical, I am leaving the 28th. I can't wait. I'm also going to Japan for school credits in June and must save up 3,000$ before then. I love traveling. <3 My parents are... well.. who really knows. My Daddy tells me they're getting divorced, but they act completely normal. I guess not to disturb the 3 of us with fighting and arguing. It toys with my mind. Sometimes, I doesn't feel real which makes it so much worse during the times where it does. I've run out of things to write, yet my thoughts is ever moving.
Feeling: |
 distressed |
Listening to: |
Michael Andrews-"The Artifact & Living" | |
|
|
Yesterday was the first day of Fall! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. I can't wait untile the leaves change and the wheather gets colder.
My new phone the Sprint Sayo Katana. 
The service is impeccable and this is much more sterdy and handsome than a razor.
I'm opening and closing the shop today. :/ Quite a bit tiring. I have so much more stuff to do for school it's overwhelming.
I want to see the Black Dahlia tonight. ;D
Feeling: |
 pleased |
Listening to: |
Siouxie and the Banshees- red light | |
|
|
I've fallen into some sort of diabolic depression. My parents are doing horribly, money is tight, my boyfriend and I were doing pretty badly recently, my friends are all gone away at school and I am left feeling alone and utterly empty. When I think about me staying home and going to a community college it sometimes depresses me greatly. Everyone else is off to their own adventures and I am left in the house of my parents. Who fight just about everyday.
:sigh:
School is doing alright, I suppose.. I really should be leaving in 10 minutes for my speech class. My direct deposit didn't come yet, which means I'll be getting yet another late paper check.
</3
Feeling: |
discontent |
Listening to: |
Michael Ribiat-intermezzo | |
|
|
I've had just about all of my classes and so far, it's really phenominal. I really enjoy the relaxed atomosphere. All of my professors are very bright, passionate educators which I am very fortunate to have. They really love talking about their respected subjects and helping us to really understand it.
I finally heard from Amie today in almost a week. I've missed talking to her. She's doing very well and adjusting very well. Everytime I speak to her, I get more and more excited about visiting her. It's been such a dream of mine to visit England. I so love their culture, literature and sexy accents. ;D This is a dream come true to me, now I have a valid excuse to go. And during Halloween, too! It's also been a previous thought of mine to live in a country for 3-4 months in the summer and have a job of teaching english. The opportunity of choice of countries are endless. Things here have been rather sheepish, I should say. Last weekend I took out Alex for a birthday surprise in the city. I also coaxed Sydney to come along since it's Al's best friend. It was really a great night. We caught about 30 minutes of the drum and bass performer ( who had disgustingly awesome visuals, I might add). The club was called Tonic in downtown SoHo, which was fabulous. It has the punk rock artsy fartsy feel. ;) We left when some derranged Tori Amos woman came to the stage and found a nice little pub to get something to eat. We came back to Sydney's got some pills and drinks until about 4, where I had to go home.
The following night, I don't much remember. Between the pills and alcohol and something about GI Joe. Who knows at this point.
Anyway, On the pictures aye?
Sydney's Persian cat, Teddy! ooooooooooohh!
Listening to: |
Kluas Nomi- the cold song | |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
un_fantome's journal